Why Can't I Sleep? Insomnia and Life Changes | Swanlight
Swanlight Behavioral Health
Why Can't I Sleep? Insomnia, Racing Thoughts, and Life Changes
"I just can't sleep."
We hear that sentence a lot. Sometimes it really is the whole story. More often, once we start talking, there is a lot happening underneath it.
Insomnia is not always the problem itself. Sometimes it is the symptom that finally gets our attention. Two people can say the exact same words and have completely different reasons behind them. This article is about one group in particular: people whose sleep changed around the same time their life did.
The examples below come from situations we see often. They are shared in generalized form to protect privacy.
"Retirement was supposed to fix this"
Plenty of people expect retirement to be the end of their sleep problems. No alarm, no commute, no early meetings. And for most people, that is how it goes. A large French study that followed more than 14,000 workers through retirement found that sleep problems became noticeably less common in the year after they stopped working.
So when retirement makes sleep worse, it can be confusing. People tell us some version of: "I finally have all the time in the world to rest. Why can't I?"
Part of the answer is what retirement takes away along with the job. The alarm clock, the structured schedule, the sense of being needed somewhere every day. Without those, the day loses its shape, and the night starts filling up with thoughts.
Consider a retired firefighter who spent decades working unusual hours and responding to emergencies at a moment's notice. After retiring, he could not understand why he was unable to simply go to bed at a "normal" time. But his body had spent years learning to stay alert at odd hours and to be ready to move instantly. His schedule changed overnight. His body did not necessarily get the message.
Money can be part of it too. Someone retires at 65 and realizes they may have decades of life ahead of them. Instead of feeling relieved, they start worrying at night. Did I save enough? Will my money last? What happens if my health declines? Am I going to end up depending on my children? These thoughts may stay in the background during a busy day. At 2 a.m., they can become overwhelming.
When the house gets quiet
A woman spends decades raising children and building her days around everyone else's needs. Then the children leave home.
During the day, she keeps busy. At night, when everything is still, the questions start. Where did all that time go? What am I supposed to do now? Who am I in this next stage of my life?
What looks like insomnia is sometimes happening alongside a much bigger shift in identity and purpose. The sleep problem is real, and so is the change underneath it.
This stage of life often brings physical changes at the same time. A woman who used to sleep well may start waking up with night sweats, feeling too hot or too cold, dealing with racing thoughts or new anxiety, or noticing changes in her weight. Many women do not immediately connect these sleep changes to perimenopause or menopause, especially when so much else is moving at once: children leaving, parents aging, careers changing, relationships evolving. When several of these happen together, it can be hard to
tell which one is keeping you up. Often it is more than one.
Grief does some of its heaviest work at night
Someone who has recently lost a spouse, a family member, a close friend, or a beloved pet may function fairly well during the day. There are errands to run, calls to return, people checking in. Then night comes, the house goes quiet, and the loneliness is much harder to ignore.People in this situation often describe their main problem as "not sleeping." That is true. But grief is usually playing an important role too, and it deserves attention on its own terms.
Loneliness can do this even without a recent loss. And sometimes what comes up in the quiet is much older than anything recent. If long-buried memories have started surfacing later in life, our article on healing childhood trauma later in life may be a helpful next read.
Why bedtime is when everything catches up with you
Some people tell us they are exhausted all day, but the second their head hits the pillow, their brain turns on.
There is a reason that happens. For many people, bedtime is the first quiet moment they have had all day. The TV is off. Nobody needs anything. Work is finished. The house is still. The phone is supposed to go down.
And suddenly, we are alone with ourselves.
For someone dealing with grief, retirement, an empty nest, loneliness, money worries, or hormonal changes, that quiet can feel uncomfortable. Anxiety, depression, ADHD, relationship stress, or simply having too much left unresolved from the day can all show up at once.
So we pick the phone back up.
We have lost practice at doing nothing
Think about how rarely we are bored anymore. Waiting in line? We pull out our phone. Sitting alone for a minute? We scroll. Getting into bed? We check Instagram, TikTok, email, texts, or the news.
Much of what we take in at night is not restful, either. Someone might spend the last 30 minutes before bed reading about wars, crime, politics, disasters, or the economy, then wonder why their mind will not settle. Social media adds its own weight. Why doesn't my family look like that? Why doesn't my house look like that? Why isn't my marriage like theirs? We can carry comparison, fear, and a sense of not measuring up straight into the bedroom with us. Then come the racing thoughts, the anxiety, the vivid dreams, and the trouble settling down.
There is a fascinating line of research on this. In a 2014 study published in Science, researchers at the University of Virginia and Harvard asked people to spend short periods alone with their thoughts. In one experiment, college students sat alone for 15 minutes with the option of giving themselves an unpleasant electric shock, one they had earlier said they would pay money to avoid. About two-thirds of the men and a quarter of the women shocked themselves at least once.
It would be a stretch to say that study proves people are afraid of boredom. It involved a small group of students, and there are other ways to explain what happened. A later set of experiments, published in 2022, adds a more hopeful piece. People predicted that sitting with their own thoughts would be boring,
then found it more enjoyable than they expected. They also assumed that checking the news online would be far more enjoyable than just thinking, and it was not.
Taken together, the research raises a question worth sitting with: how comfortable are we anymore with simply doing nothing? We may be avoiding quiet because we expect it to feel worse than it actually does.
That avoidance can turn into a cycle:
We are tired → the quiet feels uncomfortable → we reach for something stimulating → the stimulation keeps us awake → we are even more tired → it starts again.
One more reel. One more TikTok. One more news story. One more email.
Not every sleep problem is psychological
Before assuming stress or anxiety is to blame, the physical side deserves a look. Sleep can be affected by:
Hormonal changes, including perimenopause and menopause
Medications, including ones started for unrelated conditions
Caffeine, especially later in the day
Alcohol, which can make it easier to fall asleep but tends to break up sleep later in the night
Pain or other medical conditions
Sleep apnea (loud snoring, gasping during sleep, or waking up unrefreshed are common signs)
Restless legs
Hydration, nutrition, or a clinically meaningful vitamin or nutrient deficiency
Sometimes there is no deeper explanation at all. Travel, jet lag, late nights on vacation, sleeping in, or suddenly changing a long-standing routine can throw off the body's internal clock. In those cases, part of treatment may simply be helping the body get back on track. A primary care provider or sleep specialist may also belong in the picture, and a good evaluation will help you figure out when that is the case.
Questions worth asking yourself
We do not want to suggest that every case of insomnia has a deep psychological meaning, or that anyone should just live with poor sleep. What we would encourage is curiosity about why your sleep changed.
When did it start?
What changed around that time?
Did your schedule change? Did you retire?
Have you spent years working nights or unusual hours?
Did your family change?
Did you lose someone?
Are you lonely?
Are you worried about money?
Has your body changed? Could your hormones be shifting?
What are you taking in during the hour before bed?
And what happens in your mind when everything finally gets quiet?
Your answers will not diagnose anything on their own. But they are a useful place to start, and they are worth bringing to an appointment.
When to get help, and what help can look like
If poor sleep has lasted more than a few weeks, is affecting how you function during the day, or keeps coming back, it is worth getting evaluated. The same goes if you have started relying on alcohol or over-the-counter sleep aids to get through the night.
One thing to know: insomnia that starts with a life change does not always go away once life settles down. It can take on a life of its own. That is why it helps to look at both what triggered it and the sleep problem itself, rather than waiting for one to fix the other.
The treatment with the strongest research behind it for long-term insomnia is cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, or CBT-I. It is a structured, short-term therapy that helps retrain sleep habits and the thought
patterns that keep people awake, and the American College of Physicians recommends it as the first treatment for chronic insomnia in adults.
Swanlight focuses on psychiatric evaluation and medication management. We do not provide therapy, including CBT-I. When therapy would help, we will recommend it and help point you in the right direction as part of your plan.
What a psychiatric evaluation can do is look at the whole picture. That includes whether depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, ADHD, or grief is part of what is keeping you up, which medications you already take, what has changed in your life, and whether something physical should be checked with your primary care provider. If medication makes sense for you, it is one tool within a broader plan, and it gets reviewed at follow-up visits. Nothing happens without your understanding and consent.
Every appointment happens by secure video, so you can meet with a provider from home anywhere in Nevada. Sleep difficulties are one of our areas of support, along with many of the conditions that tend to travel with them.
Accessible psychiatric care should not feel out of reach. Swanlight offers virtual intake appointments starting at $49, with follow-up care designed to support the whole person.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to have trouble sleeping after retirement?
For most people, sleep improves after retirement. But losing a daily structure, a sense of purpose, or a schedule you kept for decades can make sleep harder for some. If your sleep got worse after you retired, you are not imagining it, and it is worth looking into.
Can grief cause insomnia?
Yes. Trouble sleeping is a common part of grief, especially at night when the house is quiet and the day's distractions are gone. If sleep problems continue or make it hard to function, talk with a provider.
Does scrolling on my phone before bed really affect sleep?
It can. Upsetting news, social comparison, and constant stimulation can keep your mind active right when it is trying to wind down, and scrolling often pushes bedtime later than you planned.
Can perimenopause cause insomnia?
Hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause are a common reason sleep changes, including night sweats and waking during the night. Mention it to both your primary care provider or gynecologist and your mental health provider, since mood and sleep changes often overlap during this time.
Does Swanlight provide therapy for insomnia?
No. Swanlight provides psychiatric evaluation and medication management. When cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I) or another form of therapy would help, we can recommend it as part of your care plan. Contact us with any questions before booking.
Learning to be quiet again
The retired firefighter, the grieving spouse, the empty nester, the woman going through perimenopause, the retiree lying awake over money, and the person still scrolling at midnight may all walk into an appointment saying exactly the same thing:
"I can't sleep."
The reasons behind those words can be very different, and so can what helps. But for many of them, one thing holds true.
Sometimes learning how to sleep again also involves learning how to be quiet again.
When you are ready, we are here. Call or text 702-832-0429, or email contact@swanlightbehavioralhealth.com to connect with a provider.
If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or seek emergency care. This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice.